Many people get stuck when they begin considering this question. They may feel strongly one way in the morning and feel strongly the other way by bedtime. Many people who are going through the court process report regrets about their decision; and a worry that it’s too late to change things at that point. Ultimately, the choice is up to you (you know best what is right for you and your situation); but because of the serious consequences, it makes sense to take your time and really tap into your wisdom to guide you. These questions are intended to help you discern the right choice for you (and for the future you).
1. Is your relationship safe?
Abuse in relationships can come in many forms. Oftentimes, people are familiar with physical abuse which includes one partner (or both) hitting, kicking, slapping, or otherwise physically hurting or intimidating the other. Other types of abuse might be more difficult to spot, but can be just as (or even more) damaging. Emotional, sexual, financial, psychological, and cultural/identity abuse are all ways that one partner can attempt to exert power and control over another. Patterns of any or multiple types of these behaviors can indicate that a relationship is unsafe and it may make sense to get support to either change the relationship drastically or leave. Alternatively, relationships which are comprised of trust, care for each other, and respect reach a level of basic safety on which to build. All of the other questions in this article assume that your relationship has a basic level of safety.
2. Does your partner know you are considering ending the relationship?
Sometimes, one partner will vacillate between wanting to stay and wanting to go for months or years before making a decision; and their partner may never know they are feeling so miserable. However, the partner may pick up on small changes and develop self-protective behaviors which can further damage the relationship. Speaking to your partner and letting them know how you are feeling can feel frightening, but not speaking to them (some people don’t even mention how they are feeling in couples therapy) can leave the real issues untouched and, therefore, unresolved.
3. Have you done everything you can to save your relationship?
Painful emotions that arise during couple conflict are very powerful. The anger, fear, and hurt people experience can lead to desperate attempts to stop the pain, even if that means ending the relationship prematurely. However, most people experience fewer regrets when they do the hard work of trying to save their relationship before deciding it isn’t possible. Couples therapy positively impacts 70% of couples receiving treatment! An experienced couples therapist with specific training in how to help couples work through their problems can help relationships survive and thrive, even those on the brink of divorce.
4. Are you aware of how you might be contributing to the difficulties in the relationship?
Except in abusive relationships, both partners often share responsibility for the patterns that develop. Childhood experiences or experiences in other relationships can impact how people show up in their romantic relationships. Although it can feel painful or scary to look closely at your own patterns, examining how your thoughts, emotions, and actions might be part of a cycle that harms your relationship may bring some clarity to which next step is right for you. Additionally, taking a close look at yourself can benefit you whether you stay in your relationship or go.
5. What might be the impact of either decision on you, your children, your partner, your finances, your traditions, and your lifestyle; and are you ready to deal with those consequences?
For many people, good decisions are made when as many aspects of the decision are examined as possible. Thinking through questions such as, “What will our children learn about relationships by watching us stay together (or separate)?” “Do I have a plan to support myself when I’m on my own?” “Am I ready to let go of my partner physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually?” Questions about the long-term impact of your decision may help you sort out whether ending the relationship is a reaction to a short-term problem, or a decision based on self-awareness and careful consideration.
6. Is your decision based on fear or on a brighter vision for the future?
Some people approach the decision of whether to leave a relationship from a place of fear. “What if no one else ever loves me the way my partner does?” “What if we can never figure out how to stop arguing so much?” Others approach the decision based on a vision for a better future. “What would my life look like if I could invest the time and energy I am spending on fighting with my partner into my own self-development?” “What might happen if both of us commit to working on our relationship as a team?” Fear-based thinking in a situation as serious as ending a relationship is a natural response. However, it might not lead to the best decisions. If your safety is not a concern, consider continuing to think about your decision until you can approach if from a future-oriented mindset. You may be able to get to this place on your own, or you might appreciate the support of a therapist. This type of thinking might support you in making the best decision for your future.
7. What information does your body have for you about your decision?
Thoughts can shift and change from moment to moment, but physical responses are more consistent. What happens in your body when you imagine yourself with your partner five years from now? Do you experience tightness in your chest, a weight in your gut, or a curling of your upper lip? Sensations such as these may be one sign that it’s time to go. Or, do you feel a sense of expansion, a calming of your movements, or a warmth spreading across your chest? These types of bodily sensations may indicate that you are struggling through tough times, but that the basis of the relationship is intact. Paying attention to your bodily sensations can give you important information about which decision is the right one for you.
Choosing to stay or to go in a relationship can be an excruciating experience. It is normal to feel conflicted and confused, angry and sad, excited and depressed – all within the span of one day. Taking the time you need to consider all options and getting the support you need (whether that be from a journal, friends and family, or a therapist) can help make the process easier and lead to fewer “What ifs?” and regrets down the road.